Five Dollar Hypnosis

I've exchanged calls back and forth with the Overlake people. They have confirmed that there is no insurance option. There are no other financing options. They should be selling financing like car places do! $25k is the price of a nice used car, they could chuck in GAP insurance & everything. Whatever. Until further notice, there are no plans for surgery. I want to say it was a waste of time, but, in many ways it wasn't. I'm looking at my weight in a slightly different light.

This outlook was aided by yesterday's activities.

I mentioned in yesterday's post that I was looking into hypnotherapy. I mentioned that the doctor I looked at had MP3s for like $300. It occurred to me after I wrote yesterday's post that there HAS to be others slinging hypnotherapy CDs, right? Off to Amazon - and, yup, there are plenty! Left, right & center. Well, the highest reviewed, most popular must be the best, right? Not necessarily, but I'd give it a shot. The highest rated is also one of the cheapest - ah, the free market! Anyway, Roberta Shapiro's disc was only $10. From $25,000 to nearly $4000 to $10 - the path to complete weight loss is getting cheaper all the time.

Then it struck me: it's the 21st century and I'm looking at Amazon, physical media is so pre-millenium! I clicked around for the best MP3s on Amazon. Who'd a thunk! Same Roberta Shapiro recording, and this time for $5. Comparatively free!

I downloaded it to my phone yesterday afternoon. Quick as a wink I had my own hypnotherapist on my phone. Last night, I lay down in bed, a bit before my usual time and started the recordings ...

This is where shit changed.

In all seriousness, it was very relaxing. Her voice is relaxing, the music is relaxing, and once I decided to open up and give it a chance, I did fall into a deep relaxation. It was quite pleasant.

I went along for the mental ride. I followed the guided walk through. I followed the later meditations. I don't know if I was hypnotized. I do know I was very relaxed. I do know I have very vivid memories of the places I was guided to. I also know that when I was guided to surround myself with people I loved and that I knew supported me, I saw several people there, and when I saw my mother, well, I started crying. Not a small, single, manly tear. Nope. Big, heaving sobs. (I'm choking up writing this. When did I become a crier?) It felt good to let go, embarrassing, but good. I think I have a lot more emotion tied up in my weight loss than I have been aware.

I also had a moment where I was guided to envision my goals. I saw my scale at 190, and that is important. But, I also saw myself running. Running! I saw myself enjoying a run. Not out of breath. Running because it felt good to run! It brought me again to tears, tears of pure joy. What a joy it must be to just run - without worrying if you are going to break something or have a heart attack. Just feeling the world rush past, the wind in your face. I miss that so much. I haven't run since I was a kid. Just a few quick steps and I'm winded. FUCK THAT!!!! I want to RUN! I want to jump. I want to play. I want to use my body as something besides a place to shove food, a place to dump meds, a device for breaking furniture. I want to walk into a restaurant and not have to ask for a table, a booth will be fine. Sitting at the fixed chairs at the bar sounds good. A tiny car? No problem, I'm just one of the gang, not a burden to my friends and family.

... speaking of emotion!

Anyway, I feel pretty good this morning. Placebo or not, I feel good. I plan to use the recordings more. Maybe I can get good at this whole thing. Maybe I can finally find a diet and the motivation to go to the gym for more than a week.