Still Angry

So, here we are, Day 3 of The Anger Diet. As a #diet goes, it's not so bad. Three shakes, one meal and an empty stomach. There have already been changes. The first day, Tuesday, I was pretty hungry. I kept looking at food and denying myself. Yesterday, I wasn't hungry. Sure, the stomach was empty and food felt good, but there were no pangs. Food came when it was due, just not in the huge amounts or the constant flow my body is used to.

This morning was a little different. When I woke up, I thought about food and the thought kinda sickened me. The thought of a large meal nauseated me. It occurred to me that if I did decide to go back to my old habits, after such an extreme change, I would make myself sick. I'm surprised, this has happened in such a short time.

I'm not looking forward to the next few days. Fridays, the boss buys us lunch. If I can manage a low cal meal out of it, I'll be fine. But, if not, I may have to ditch the office, which will be easily observable. It's a small concern, but no one makes a tempest in a teapot like I do. I have social engagements this weekend, lots of food land mines. Luckily it'll be with people that get it, but it's still not going to be fun. Gotta get through the weekend.

My big concern right now isn't food or calories or even exercise. My current concern is longevity. How long can I keep this diet going? My habit usually sees the death of any diet in very short order. A week is the average. Two weeks is a good stretch. Three weeks is nearly unheard of and the crazier the diet, the shorter it lives. So, how does one sustain a diet based on anger?

Add more anger, of course!

Like any fire, when it begins to die, heap on some fuel. Enter my boss.

Don't get me wrong, I like my boss. He's a straight forward guy. He knows he's an opinionated dick. His words! I admire someone who knows themselves well enough to be able to declare such things. Doesn't make dealing with him much easier. But, in the end, he is a known quantity - you are getting exactly what it says on his smug, diminutive package.

Last night I hung out at work, doing laundry (the machine is free and better than the ones in my complex!), he happened by. He's aware of my situation since we discussed the insurance issue. We started talking and this began a two hour lecture on my weight, my health, my finances and my life choices. This is typical of the guy, not unexpected. But, by the end, I had a whole new basket of anger. Now I want to shove my diligence and resolve in his FUCKING FACE!

That should get me through the weekend.

Don't Diet Angry!

Today begins what I have been calling "The Angry Diet." Holler out if you've heard this song before:

I am SOOO-OOO-OOO sick of being fat!

Okay! Okay! Stop shouting. Of course you have heard it before, if not from yourself than certainly here on this blog from me. This blog chronicles five years of frustration. I have tried nearly every #diet and everything else I can think of and have not been able to find the diligence or the discipline to stick with anything for very long. Not getting the #gastric-bypass is something of a last straw. I'm just sick!

In the materials for the surgery, there is a pre-op diet. The diet is intended to shrink the fat around the liver and the stomach to give the surgeon better access. The diet is intended to last two weeks and is VERY low calorie. If my calculations are right, less than 1000 calories. As in, three 200 calorie shakes and one 300 calorie meal, like a Lean Cuisine. Bam! That's all.

Okay, well, I'm not going to do that. But, I thought, what if I got close to that? Really cut my calories. Just for a while, say a month? What would that look like?

I put together a shake. A scoop of egg white protein powder and 16 ounces of soy milk. That's 330 calories, so three of those a day, about 990 calories.

Then, a meal. Something simple. Chicken breast or fish with veggies. Today was a can of tuna, a bit of kinda-fresh broccoli and some baby carrots. A tiny bowl of food that I generously call 200 calories. Tasted like a steak & baked potato by the time I got to it.

Being a little short, I went with a bag of peanuts as a snack for 290 more calories.

My calculator calls that 1480 calories. I was aiming for 1500, so not too far off.

Before you ask, yes, I've been hungry all day. But, frankly, I'm getting high quality food, I'm not starving, just hungry. And, well, I have my anger to stuff into my empty stomach.

Can I pull this off for a month? Not likely. I was eating 2500 calories a day and couldn't stick to that for two weeks. But, I'll give it a shot. When it fails, hopefully my anger will be beaten down and I'll do something more sensible, albeit as likely futile.

On a good note, of sorts, the lady who handles our benefits at work is working with the insurance company to see if we can get gastric bypass coverage added to our policy. We renew our policy in September. She talked to me late last week. No word yet. I'm not hopeful, but we'll hold out and see.

Five Dollar Hypnosis

I've exchanged calls back and forth with the Overlake people. They have confirmed that there is no insurance option. There are no other financing options. They should be selling financing like car places do! $25k is the price of a nice used car, they could chuck in GAP insurance & everything. Whatever. Until further notice, there are no plans for surgery. I want to say it was a waste of time, but, in many ways it wasn't. I'm looking at my weight in a slightly different light.

This outlook was aided by yesterday's activities.

I mentioned in yesterday's post that I was looking into hypnotherapy. I mentioned that the doctor I looked at had MP3s for like $300. It occurred to me after I wrote yesterday's post that there HAS to be others slinging hypnotherapy CDs, right? Off to Amazon - and, yup, there are plenty! Left, right & center. Well, the highest reviewed, most popular must be the best, right? Not necessarily, but I'd give it a shot. The highest rated is also one of the cheapest - ah, the free market! Anyway, Roberta Shapiro's disc was only $10. From $25,000 to nearly $4000 to $10 - the path to complete weight loss is getting cheaper all the time.

Then it struck me: it's the 21st century and I'm looking at Amazon, physical media is so pre-millenium! I clicked around for the best MP3s on Amazon. Who'd a thunk! Same Roberta Shapiro recording, and this time for $5. Comparatively free!

I downloaded it to my phone yesterday afternoon. Quick as a wink I had my own hypnotherapist on my phone. Last night, I lay down in bed, a bit before my usual time and started the recordings ...

This is where shit changed.

In all seriousness, it was very relaxing. Her voice is relaxing, the music is relaxing, and once I decided to open up and give it a chance, I did fall into a deep relaxation. It was quite pleasant.

I went along for the mental ride. I followed the guided walk through. I followed the later meditations. I don't know if I was hypnotized. I do know I was very relaxed. I do know I have very vivid memories of the places I was guided to. I also know that when I was guided to surround myself with people I loved and that I knew supported me, I saw several people there, and when I saw my mother, well, I started crying. Not a small, single, manly tear. Nope. Big, heaving sobs. (I'm choking up writing this. When did I become a crier?) It felt good to let go, embarrassing, but good. I think I have a lot more emotion tied up in my weight loss than I have been aware.

I also had a moment where I was guided to envision my goals. I saw my scale at 190, and that is important. But, I also saw myself running. Running! I saw myself enjoying a run. Not out of breath. Running because it felt good to run! It brought me again to tears, tears of pure joy. What a joy it must be to just run - without worrying if you are going to break something or have a heart attack. Just feeling the world rush past, the wind in your face. I miss that so much. I haven't run since I was a kid. Just a few quick steps and I'm winded. FUCK THAT!!!! I want to RUN! I want to jump. I want to play. I want to use my body as something besides a place to shove food, a place to dump meds, a device for breaking furniture. I want to walk into a restaurant and not have to ask for a table, a booth will be fine. Sitting at the fixed chairs at the bar sounds good. A tiny car? No problem, I'm just one of the gang, not a burden to my friends and family.

... speaking of emotion!

Anyway, I feel pretty good this morning. Placebo or not, I feel good. I plan to use the recordings more. Maybe I can get good at this whole thing. Maybe I can finally find a diet and the motivation to go to the gym for more than a week.

Hypnotically Angry

So, my weekend was pretty much spoiled by my brooding over the surgery and insurance not paying for it. Blah. Blah. Blah. I'm no worse off than I was a month ago. Pull it together, Fat Boy.

Since I wasn't pulling it together, I had time to think about lots of, likely stupid, alternatives.

The doctor that does this surgery hands out a pre-surgery diet. It's mostly liquids. Very low calorie. I have thought very hard about just starting that diet and riding it for all its worth. I mean, if I can lose 300 pounds doing 1500 calories a day, more power to me, right? Because all the stupid diets I've done up to now have worked so well, haven't they?

I started thinking about hypnotism. I know I laughed about it before. What stopped me from laughing too much was when my doc mentioned a hypnotist in the same building as her offices cured her migraines.

I mean ... !!! ... wow.

She is a very smart lady and a good doctor, could she fall for some snake oil? She also mentioned his price, about $150 a session, per week. I laughed hard at that. However, now I'm thinking "How many sessions?" Maybe it's worth $1500 or $3000 - if it works. I looked the guy up, he has a book & CDs (of course he does!). There is also a .PDF version of his book and MP3s of his CDs. The MP3s are like $300. The book is $15. I think I'll give the book a shot and see where it gets me. Even if it's just the placebo effect, a stupid plan that works (and only costs $15 bucks) isn't a stupid plan.

The hospital called me this morning to schedule an initial consult. The first space they had available was a month from now! Well, I guess I have time to research all the angles. I mentioned that insurance won't pay - I could hear the panic in the voice of the woman I was talking to. She took my info and said she would look deeper, whatever that means. We'll see how it goes.

Regardless, I'm still pretty angry. There is a little part of me, a little Emperor Palpatine, whispering in my head: "Good! Use your feelings, boy. Trust your anger. Strike out with all your might and your voyage to The Skinny Side will be complete!" I don't know if that will help me lose weight. It does sound like a quick way to the Looney Bin!

Not Covered

I was under the impression that I had a Cadillac insurance plan.

Guess not.

Just spoke to a very nice lady who has the misfortune to work for Premera. She was able to inform me that Bariatric Surgery is not a covered benefit under our plan. I asked a few more questions and she told me that it isn't covered under most plans. I would guess that means Premera goes out of its way to make the coverage for this very effective procedure too expensive for the average employer to buy for their employees. Have I ever mentioned how much I hate insurance companies?

Bariatric Surgery is covered under Medicare. One more reason I say: Medicare for All!

So, no, I'm not sure of my next step. I'm sure there is one. I'm sure there is some overpriced way to cover the surgery. Someone will loan me a big wad of cash at an outrageous interest rate. I'm sure there is a next step. I just honestly allowed myself to believe that a fucking insurance company would give a crap for once. I'm a moron.

Did I mention Medicare for All? May the insurance companies die in a chemical fire, over-paid executives first!

The Seminar

I went to the informational seminar at Overlake last night. It was interesting. And, if nothing else, the ball got rolling.

I met the doctor. He is a nice enough guy. He was sharp, never fumbled for an answer. He has that dry sense of humor one might expect from a man who gets paid to cut into the hopeless day in, day out.

Looks like I'll certainly be going for Gastric Bypass. I knew that going in, but it was confirmed. However that wasn't the interesting part, the numbers were.

The first number that struck me was a 0.3% 90 day death rate from the surgery itself. This is a national average. The doctor told us he has done 300+ surgeries with no deaths. However, I can do math. If he will do 1000 procedures in his career, he's about due for someone to die. I managed to keep my mouth shut and not blurt this out, no need to scare the others in the room who can't do math.

Next was the recovery time. I had been told two to three weeks. With my diabetes, I heal slow, I was afraid I might take even longer. The doctor listed two weeks. I voiced my fears. The doctor told me that if the surgery involved a large incision, this might be an issue. However, with it being a series of small incisions, it'll take two weeks to heal. Impressive! I asked if he would still back me up with the four week number with my boss and he assured me he would.

I knew that losing the weight will likely clear up my diabetes, sleep apnea and high blood pressure issues. However, it was also mentioned that there is a 70+% chance of clearing up my gout. This gets better by the minute! At the end of this, I could be med free. I'll happily trade vitamins and nutritional supplements for Beta Blockers and other expensive pills with all their side effects. Not to mention, NO CPAP!

The last number isn't as good. It proves this isn't a cure all, that I will still have to work. After two years, the average weight loss is only 70 to 80% of what you want to lose. The ten year number is between 60 & 70%. So, yeah, I'll still be going to the gym - forever. Luckily I like going to the gym and being 200 pounds lighter will make it just that much easier to go.

Now: to pay for this. More to come there.

I just found out there is a chance of hair loss with this surgery. In my case, that's pure hilarity!

Who the hell am I?

Saw the doc this morning. I told her that I have gotten the ball rolling for surgery. She felt that plan was "wise" - of course she did, it was her idea! Heh! She cracks me up.

Tomorrow night is the seminar on the surgery. I have a metric ton of questions. I'm sure they'll cover most of them, it's not like I'm the first fatty to get this surgery. They likely have a near assembly line.

Two nights ago I was driving & thinking and something occurred to me. Something startling. I've been thinking that this will be relatively cut & dried; I've been trying to lose the weight for a decade, getting the weight off is the goal, once the weight is gone, the problem is solved. Right?

The thought that occurred to me last night shook my certainty. In fact, it has lowered my confidence and at the same time hardened my resolve to got through with this surgery. The thought was this:

I've always been "The Fat Kid" or "The Fat Guy" - who will I be when I am no longer fat?

On the surface, the question seems silly. But, honestly, it struck deep. The more I thought about it, the more layers the onion revealed. It was a pretty big and stinky onion, too.

The first layer was simple: My short label is "Fat Guy." As in "That Fat Guy over there." or "Which guy? The Fat Guy?" But, if I'm not fat, then what will my simple label be? Sure, most of us hate labels, but, let's face it, we all use them. "The Blonde Chick." "The Black Dude." "The One with The Nose." When I go to the Sex Positive Pool Parties, where just about everyone is over weight and naked, quick labels are useful. "The Tall, Balding, Fat Guy with a Beard & Glasses" describes about four regulars at the parties, we're all pretty chummy, too. Hmmm ... maybe that's a bad example. But you get the idea. What will people pull out about me? I doubt I'll ever be "The Skinny Guy." For a while I'm sure I'll be "The Dude with the Waddle" as the weight loss surgery will leave me with a lot of loose skin. But, really, what will people pick out that will mark me out from the crowd?

This layer gets thicker. This has a lot to do with identity. A lot of who I am is wrapped up in being fat. As a kid, I was picked last for teams and stunk at sports because I was fat. I didn't date much in high school or college because I was fat. I dress a certain way because I'm fat. There are lots of things I do, some I'm not willing to admit to, and I do them because I'm fat.

The next layer, the next thing that occurred to me, really kicked me in the soft stuff. This surgery has a 90+% success rate. 9 out of 10 people lose a large amount of weight after this procedure. I am really likely to lose the weight, at least for a while. If I put my back behind it, I'll have a good chance of keeping it off. This surgery will most likely work and work well.

Honestly, this is the first time I have really had to worry about my identity. I always knew I'd fail before. And, to prove myself right, I did just that. Okay, maybe that's not entirely true. Maybe a little harsh. But I'm sure in my heart of hearts, losing 300 pounds has always been daunting to the point of being overwhelming. Now? A day of surgery and observation, three weeks of recovery at home and bam! The weight is melting off simply because I'm burning more than I'm in-taking. It will be nearly impossible to keep up the 3000 to 4000 calories needed to upkeep my current weight. Add a little exercise and it becomes just that much more drastic.

I'm the Fat Guy, but only if I stay fat and this time the plan might just work, it only has a 90% chance of success, after all. When the weight comes off, who the hell will I be? I realized while this was buzzing around my head that it wasn't just about a quick label, or even surface identity, this was about the core of my being. Every summer, as far back as I can remember, even when I tried to tell myself I was comfortable with my body, I would think "By Fall, I will have taken some weight off." and I have failed like 25 or 30 times. For the last ten years, every few weeks I would start dieting, only to fall back off the diet and stop exercising only to restart a few weeks later. This blog chronicles five years of that!

Now here I am. I can still hear the voice in my head saying "SOMEONE has to make up the 5 to 10% of failures, ya know." I don't want to fail this time. It's going to be a lot of pain & trouble and bullshit just to have the surgery and survive the process. I want to be in the 80th or better percentile - I always tested well.

I don't know who will be living in my body at the end of this process, but I want to meet him. Waddle & all.

Cutting In

On April 14th I went to the doctor and we discussed my options. I have been struggling with my weight for over a decade (that Throwback Thursday post really drove that home for me.)

To begin, I asked straight out "What are my chances of seeing 50?" The doc said: "Pretty good, your heart is good. 60? Not so much." That kinda puts it in perspective, huh?

Next, we talked about what I can do since apparently I have no discipline. We looked at drug options, nothing seemed worth the side effects. She mentioned hypnotism. When I stopped laughing, she revealed the expense and it seemed a lot for the possibility it might work.

Then, we talked weight loss surgery. I raised my fears. I've watched my friend go through it. I watched her have surgery after surgery. I watched her put weight back on. She is worse off after the surgery than before she started. I have another friend that has lost a ton after the surgery ... and now she is putting weight back on. I've heard of the ways you can cheat your surgery. I'm an addict - an addict will do anything to get their fix.

But, when it comes down to it, I'm 42, I'm scary heavy. It's not getting better. Gotta do something.

I have no idea how to pay for it. I talked with a few friends who tell me it's not as expensive as I thought. It seems like my last option.

The doc suggested getting serious about dieting and going to the gym. Think about the surgery. And she wanted to see me back in a month.

• The first week I screwed around. I was shocked to still weigh 450.
• The second week, I lost 6 pounds.
• Last week, I screwed around and I gained 7 pounds.

I went to the gym this morning. I see the doc next Monday. Next Tuesday I go in for a class on the surgery.

I can't believe it's this bad. But, it is. It just is.