The Disappointment Factor

My recent mental monologue has looked a lot like the following:

"Look at that treat! I so WANT that!"

"No you don't."

"Wha ... ? Why?"

"Sure it looks good, but it's a couple of bites, it won't taste as good as it looks, it won't entertain you for more than a moment, there is no sexual satisfaction in that treat, that treat has more calories than a whole meal and you'll just end up disappointed."

"Oh. I don't want that."

"Right."

This isn't a new phenomenon. A while back I found myself in the cookie aisle in the grocery store on a Friday night. I put up a pic on Facebook with a caption that said there was no entertainment or sex in that aisle. I was lonely, horny and bored, not hungry. Since then, I've frequently had the thought, but just went ahead and fed my addiction and proved myself right.

The last few weeks, the Disappointment Facor has kept me pretty close to perfect. I've had some fruit a few times, but I haven't had candy, cake or real sugar soda in working on five weeks. I think I'm just really tired of eatting a bag of garbage, then being disappointed, then being angry with myself for having done it.

However ...

I eat a lot of fast food. This diet accommodates that very well, you just have to be prepared to ask for no bun and eat your burger with a fork. Extra mayo & pickles & bacon - Yay!

But, no fries? That sucks. No fries, no potato cakes, no hash browns nor tater tots. No Fries!! I've eaten a ton of Wendy's chili recently. Wendy's fries dipped in their chili is about perfect! I nearly broke the other night. I wasn't proud when I left, I was angry and breathless - those fries called to me that hard!

No fries. Sigh.

HFLC Me!

Week three of the latest diet adventure: High Fat Low Carb.

I tripped over this site - and pretty much read the whole thing. It's all about High Fat, Low Carb diets. The idea is that eating sugar, especially in the amount we Americans eat, is bad for us. All of us, but especially diabetics, should be cutting our carbs. They further postulate that adding fat, not removing, will aid in normalizing metabolism. Newer science points to this. This is pretty much the reverse of the 80s & 90s "STOP THE INSANITY!" attitude that you can eat all the baked potatoes you want, as long as you skip the butter and sour cream.

Not sure what the value of a pile of butter and sour cream might be without the baked potato, but I digress.

Back in '09, as you might remember, or as you can read in the beginning of this blog, I tried out Adkins/Low Carb, with some mixed results. It was a long fight, there were positive results, but they were hard won and frankly unsatisfying. I couldn't stick with it. That pretty much began my journey, and a roller-coaster it has been.

However, there were some things I liked about Low Carb. In fact, any time I've "been on" since, I've aimed at low carb. I like meat and veggies, and sure I miss donuts and pizza, not to mention candy and full sugar soda, but it was pretty easy to follow. And, for the most part, wholly ineffective. I kept missing the mark and just blamed myself.

The last three weeks have been different. Biggest difference: no fruit. Totally cut out fruit. The Diet Doctor site above kept calling fruit "candy from nature" - and maybe they're right. I'm sure other people do fine with fruit in their low cal diet, but as a diabetic, I've always been concerned.

Second big change: MOAR CHEESE! I'm lactose intolerant, but I decided to just endure the gas and even diarrhea. Neither has shown up. I'm eating cheese right and left and have had no ill effects, not even gas. Do I know why? No. But I ain't complainin'.

Third big change: OMG Olives! Coinciding with this new diet has been the three hardest weeks at my new job of just under two months. Two weeks ago I worked 60 hours, last week was 75 hours. I essentially live at work. The Diet Doctor site says that you won't need to snack as much - I disagree. Finding low carb, high fat snacks that don't require refrigeration isn't easy. Thus: olives. As a kid I didn't like them, now I'm eating them a cup at a time. Yum! Dill pickles, too.

In all, it's a big change. But, it might be a successful one. In March, I found out I broke the 400 pound mark. I didn't jump on the scale before I started this new deal, but I hopped on today: 380. Don't know if it's what I'm doing or just a continuation of my Misery plan, but something is working. Today I will be ordering test strips for my blood glucose meter - that's definitely a metric I want to follow. I'll jump on the scale again at the end of the month to see my progress.

Wouldn't it be cool to make my first visit to my next doctor be a "Well, you weigh 350, but you're losing weight and your blood glucose and A1C are perfectly normal" visit? Yes. Yes it would be cool!

The Misery Diet

So, for those that don't keep up with my life outside of this blog, since November, 2014, I:

• Lost my job. Again.
• Ran out of Unemployment Insurance
• Moved back to St. Louis where I am sponging off friends who are in even worse financial shape than I.
• Was unemployed until November 2015.
• That contract ended and I am now in my second low pay, high stress job.

In short, I've been pretty miserable. I grew up in St. Louis and for many reasons, not all of them logical, I hate the stinking pit of a town, a place I like to call "Lil' Detroit".

Sponging off my friends isn't good, the fact that they are doing this out of the kindness of their poverty stricken hearts while I bitch about their beloved home town makes me a huge heel.

Because I'm living out of a small room, I really can't have much of a love life. In fact, I've tried and just really can't come up with one. The fact that I left all of my lovers in Seattle makes this even more painful.

In fact, I pretty much feel like a lost teenager. I live out of a small room, I have a crappy job to keep the payments on my car, I have to obey the rules of the house and I don't have a love life. I'm 17 all over again, except fatter and with less hair.

To make me feel even more immature, I vented to Facebook and my own mother told me to grow up. Apparently having feelings AND showing them, not to mention being disgusted with the bigots I'm surrounded by is immature. I will now commence to bottle up my feelings and become a frigid prude like just about everyone else in this town. It's the mature, grown up thing to do!

Having said all of this, the last time I got on a scale, I weighed about 430. Today, in an effort to find that happy sex life (ever the closet optimist!) I went for an STD test. I try to go every six months, but I haven't in two years. Anyway, they got me on a scale:

398

I asked repeatedly if the scale was accurate and was assured it was.

398

I have been trying for nearly a decade to get under 400 pounds. I was so close several times. I have tried every diet I could think of to get past that 400 pound mark. I've tried positive thinking and meditation and anger and, well, it turns out misery was the answer.

It's not even good misery. I mean, I have a roof over my head and a full belly. A very full belly. Food is, as my readers know, my drug of choice. I have been eating a ton of fast food and candy and full sugar soda - so, food, indeed. My needs, for the most part, are being met. I am surviving. It's not like I'm starving or in a war zone or some place I can wear my misery as a badge of honor. No, I feel guilty about feeling this bad because so many others have it so much worse.

I also figured I'd have a huge sense of accomplishment when I crossed that line. But, I didn't do anything. I'm eating crap, I have a membership to the Y that I don't use. I just lived and ate and masturbated. Ta-dah! Thirty pounds gone. A part of me says, yes! Use this! Diet. Exercise. Work it. But, another part of me (an admittedly stupid but none the less convincing part) says, don't do that! You got the weight off by being miserable, don't worry that you've probably lost thirty pounds of muscle and bone mass, worry that the weight might come back! Worry!!!

For the moment, I'm just marking the milestone. I went to Arby's and got two big sandwiches, I went to QT and got a large Iced Tea with Splenda. I went to the grocery store and bought quinoa and cheese puffs. Confused? Yup. I'm working three twelve hour shifts the rest of this week. Maybe I'll go to the gym Saturday.