Disappointment & Anger

I know, long time since I've written out here.

And, I'm not looking for sympathy or advice, I just want to get this off my chest. Usually if I can write something out, I can figure it out. Or at least remove the drek so I can figure the rest of it out.

For those that don't know, I started a new job. Love the job for a lot of reasons. One of the cool perks about the job is that there is a gym right in the building. Good equipment and good showers - takes away a lot of excuses. Further, my boss, GmrGirl, is a professional personal trainer. Most of the team I work with is doing some form of fitness. It's a real pile of positive reinforcement.

So, yeah, I'm been dieting and working out for over a month. For my long time readers, you know that getting diet and gym together at the same time is pretty rare for me. I've been doing pretty good. Limited, minor cheats. I haven't seen a candy bar or a snack cake in well over a month. If I want sweet - I eat fruit. Low carb, lots of veggies. Two or so hours a week in the gym. I'm doing the treadmill for an hour at a time. Days between treadmill workouts, I've been doing more and more knee-push ups and ab crunches. I've tested my blood sugar every couple of days, haven't seen anything above 115. Really, I've been doing well.

I got on the scale a week or so after I started. 476 - no shock, that seems to be my "resting" weight. I decided to wait two weeks before I got back on the scale - I wanted a big number. I got 470. For a man that's used to drops of 10 pounds a week or more early in a diet, 6 pounds over two weeks seems pretty miniscule.

I decided to wait another two weeks. The gym thing is probably just balancing out the weight loss, right? Maybe I put on some muscle. (Felt like a lie, but it got me back to the gym, so, what the hell?)

This morning I got back on the scale. 469. Two weeks, one pound.

I'm angry. I'm disappointed. One pound. I had hope with how easy it's been to fall back into a diet and dive into the gym, that I would be able to hit 400 pounds by my birthday. If I'm only going to lose 2 pounds a month, I don't see that happening. I won't break 460 by my birthday.

Maybe I am putting on muscle, but MAN! - that's a lot of muscle, awfully quick. Seriously, even a normal dieter looking to lose 30 or 40 pounds can expect to lose one to two pounds a week. I need to lose 270+ pounds. I have huge fluid buildups my doc swears will depart as I exercise - I'm not seeing it. I'm on Januvia, which as we've seen before, results in large weight drops. Am I putting on five pounds of muscle a week? For a man with only 25% of the testosterone he should have, I find that unlikely.

And, OH! - The Dreadmill. The time passes more and more slowly every time I get on it. I spent four days on it this morning. I'm getting up at 5 AM, busting my hump, eating like a rabbit and I lost a pound in two weeks.

I'm tired, I'm angry, my feet hurt ... I just want to go crawl under my bed, even though I wouldn't fit.

Have no frets. I did the Dreadmill this morning. I am about to start the day with a big heaping Slim Fast bar. Lunch will be a salad - no meat - from BK. Dinner will be pretty much the same. Tomorrow will be similar. And the next day. I'm gonna keep going. I know it's the right thing to do even if the scale isn't showing it. I just prefer to see results for my efforts.