The Seminar

I went to the informational seminar at Overlake last night. It was interesting. And, if nothing else, the ball got rolling.

I met the doctor. He is a nice enough guy. He was sharp, never fumbled for an answer. He has that dry sense of humor one might expect from a man who gets paid to cut into the hopeless day in, day out.

Looks like I'll certainly be going for Gastric Bypass. I knew that going in, but it was confirmed. However that wasn't the interesting part, the numbers were.

The first number that struck me was a 0.3% 90 day death rate from the surgery itself. This is a national average. The doctor told us he has done 300+ surgeries with no deaths. However, I can do math. If he will do 1000 procedures in his career, he's about due for someone to die. I managed to keep my mouth shut and not blurt this out, no need to scare the others in the room who can't do math.

Next was the recovery time. I had been told two to three weeks. With my diabetes, I heal slow, I was afraid I might take even longer. The doctor listed two weeks. I voiced my fears. The doctor told me that if the surgery involved a large incision, this might be an issue. However, with it being a series of small incisions, it'll take two weeks to heal. Impressive! I asked if he would still back me up with the four week number with my boss and he assured me he would.

I knew that losing the weight will likely clear up my diabetes, sleep apnea and high blood pressure issues. However, it was also mentioned that there is a 70+% chance of clearing up my gout. This gets better by the minute! At the end of this, I could be med free. I'll happily trade vitamins and nutritional supplements for Beta Blockers and other expensive pills with all their side effects. Not to mention, NO CPAP!

The last number isn't as good. It proves this isn't a cure all, that I will still have to work. After two years, the average weight loss is only 70 to 80% of what you want to lose. The ten year number is between 60 & 70%. So, yeah, I'll still be going to the gym - forever. Luckily I like going to the gym and being 200 pounds lighter will make it just that much easier to go.

Now: to pay for this. More to come there.

I just found out there is a chance of hair loss with this surgery. In my case, that's pure hilarity!

Who the hell am I?

Saw the doc this morning. I told her that I have gotten the ball rolling for surgery. She felt that plan was "wise" - of course she did, it was her idea! Heh! She cracks me up.

Tomorrow night is the seminar on the surgery. I have a metric ton of questions. I'm sure they'll cover most of them, it's not like I'm the first fatty to get this surgery. They likely have a near assembly line.

Two nights ago I was driving & thinking and something occurred to me. Something startling. I've been thinking that this will be relatively cut & dried; I've been trying to lose the weight for a decade, getting the weight off is the goal, once the weight is gone, the problem is solved. Right?

The thought that occurred to me last night shook my certainty. In fact, it has lowered my confidence and at the same time hardened my resolve to got through with this surgery. The thought was this:

I've always been "The Fat Kid" or "The Fat Guy" - who will I be when I am no longer fat?

On the surface, the question seems silly. But, honestly, it struck deep. The more I thought about it, the more layers the onion revealed. It was a pretty big and stinky onion, too.

The first layer was simple: My short label is "Fat Guy." As in "That Fat Guy over there." or "Which guy? The Fat Guy?" But, if I'm not fat, then what will my simple label be? Sure, most of us hate labels, but, let's face it, we all use them. "The Blonde Chick." "The Black Dude." "The One with The Nose." When I go to the Sex Positive Pool Parties, where just about everyone is over weight and naked, quick labels are useful. "The Tall, Balding, Fat Guy with a Beard & Glasses" describes about four regulars at the parties, we're all pretty chummy, too. Hmmm ... maybe that's a bad example. But you get the idea. What will people pull out about me? I doubt I'll ever be "The Skinny Guy." For a while I'm sure I'll be "The Dude with the Waddle" as the weight loss surgery will leave me with a lot of loose skin. But, really, what will people pick out that will mark me out from the crowd?

This layer gets thicker. This has a lot to do with identity. A lot of who I am is wrapped up in being fat. As a kid, I was picked last for teams and stunk at sports because I was fat. I didn't date much in high school or college because I was fat. I dress a certain way because I'm fat. There are lots of things I do, some I'm not willing to admit to, and I do them because I'm fat.

The next layer, the next thing that occurred to me, really kicked me in the soft stuff. This surgery has a 90+% success rate. 9 out of 10 people lose a large amount of weight after this procedure. I am really likely to lose the weight, at least for a while. If I put my back behind it, I'll have a good chance of keeping it off. This surgery will most likely work and work well.

Honestly, this is the first time I have really had to worry about my identity. I always knew I'd fail before. And, to prove myself right, I did just that. Okay, maybe that's not entirely true. Maybe a little harsh. But I'm sure in my heart of hearts, losing 300 pounds has always been daunting to the point of being overwhelming. Now? A day of surgery and observation, three weeks of recovery at home and bam! The weight is melting off simply because I'm burning more than I'm in-taking. It will be nearly impossible to keep up the 3000 to 4000 calories needed to upkeep my current weight. Add a little exercise and it becomes just that much more drastic.

I'm the Fat Guy, but only if I stay fat and this time the plan might just work, it only has a 90% chance of success, after all. When the weight comes off, who the hell will I be? I realized while this was buzzing around my head that it wasn't just about a quick label, or even surface identity, this was about the core of my being. Every summer, as far back as I can remember, even when I tried to tell myself I was comfortable with my body, I would think "By Fall, I will have taken some weight off." and I have failed like 25 or 30 times. For the last ten years, every few weeks I would start dieting, only to fall back off the diet and stop exercising only to restart a few weeks later. This blog chronicles five years of that!

Now here I am. I can still hear the voice in my head saying "SOMEONE has to make up the 5 to 10% of failures, ya know." I don't want to fail this time. It's going to be a lot of pain & trouble and bullshit just to have the surgery and survive the process. I want to be in the 80th or better percentile - I always tested well.

I don't know who will be living in my body at the end of this process, but I want to meet him. Waddle & all.

Cutting In

On April 14th I went to the doctor and we discussed my options. I have been struggling with my weight for over a decade (that Throwback Thursday post really drove that home for me.)

To begin, I asked straight out "What are my chances of seeing 50?" The doc said: "Pretty good, your heart is good. 60? Not so much." That kinda puts it in perspective, huh?

Next, we talked about what I can do since apparently I have no discipline. We looked at drug options, nothing seemed worth the side effects. She mentioned hypnotism. When I stopped laughing, she revealed the expense and it seemed a lot for the possibility it might work.

Then, we talked weight loss surgery. I raised my fears. I've watched my friend go through it. I watched her have surgery after surgery. I watched her put weight back on. She is worse off after the surgery than before she started. I have another friend that has lost a ton after the surgery ... and now she is putting weight back on. I've heard of the ways you can cheat your surgery. I'm an addict - an addict will do anything to get their fix.

But, when it comes down to it, I'm 42, I'm scary heavy. It's not getting better. Gotta do something.

I have no idea how to pay for it. I talked with a few friends who tell me it's not as expensive as I thought. It seems like my last option.

The doc suggested getting serious about dieting and going to the gym. Think about the surgery. And she wanted to see me back in a month.

• The first week I screwed around. I was shocked to still weigh 450.
• The second week, I lost 6 pounds.
• Last week, I screwed around and I gained 7 pounds.

I went to the gym this morning. I see the doc next Monday. Next Tuesday I go in for a class on the surgery.

I can't believe it's this bad. But, it is. It just is.

Throwback Thursday

So, yeah, #ThrowbackThursday is a game played on Instagram where you post a pic of you that is at least 5 years old. Well, I'm rarely in front of a camera, certainly not enough to get a pic up every Thursday. However, I thought it might be fun to take a quick trip back to some previous blog entries, from the blog I shared with +Bryan Dobberstein, Irate Weirdos, in or around January 9th. Here's what I found:

5 Years ago (Apparently, I started a diet blog!) January 15, 2009
6 Years ago (Any of this look familiar?): January 13, 2008
7 years ago (The Trouble Begins!): January 7, 2007
10 years ago: January 8th 2004

As for January 9th, 2014, this is Day 4. I've been good on my diet all week, been to the gym four days in a row. That sounds great and all, but it also sounds like some of the false starts mentioned above. *Sigh!*

I've gotta get it together this time. If anyone has a magic wand they aren't using, let me know, I could use a small miracle.

Last year I found THE ANSWER.

One lonely entry last year, eh? Not my proudest moment. However, in my defense ... um ... I got no defense. I wasn't busy enough to not write out here now and then. I was more ashamed. Ashamed I wasn't doing better.

Last year wasn't an all bad year. I started a full time job in May. I dated more than I had in the 40+ years before. I managed to go from 480 to 450 while barely dieting and no exercise.

One of the things I tried out that seemed to work was not having dinner. You can find the details here, but in short, a small study showed that diabetics controlled their blood sugar and lost weight by eating a hearty breakfast, a solid lunch and little to no dinner. I did that for a few weeks. It seems so much smarter, why do we eat a huge meal then go to bed? So, I'd have a bunch of protein in the morning, usually quinoa in soy milk, a hearty lunch, fruit snacks and maybe fruit if I got hungry at night. It was working, but I didn't stick to it.

However, here we are back at the beginning of the year. I will likely go back to the meal plan above. Plus, there is a gym between work and home. It's costing me extra every month (it is really nice!) and I had to pay a huge initiation fee, but it's right there. It glares at me on the way to work and on the way home. So, MOAR GYM!

On that note, I had +Tonja Davis of +Action Hero Fitness, Inc.  come in a for a consultation the other day. She walked me through a weight machine workout she built specifically for me. I plan to have her come back once a month or so to check my progress, keep me honest and help me tailor my routine to my (hopefully) changing body.

Then there is THE QUESTION, you can read up on this in my last entry, but the short of it is that +Tonja asked me if I knew why I wanted, nay needed, to lose weight? What was my reason? At the time I didn't have an answer. The funny thing is, I covered the reason in that entry, I just don't think I wanted to admit it. Well, I can admit it now. My reason to lose weight?

Sex.

I want to have sex. I am dating quite a bit these days and I can't have penetrative sex. I miss that. Sure, I can do, and do do, lots of other stuff, but good ol' penis-in-vagina is prevented by a layer of fat that just rolls a condom right off. (Too much info for ya? Too bad. We're about real around here ... well. most days.)

So, yeah, resolutions and all of that. I have the tools and the knowledge I just need to apply them. I have a good start, nearly 30 pounds down. I've been here before. I've said I was going to do something with my tools and knowledge then, too. The spirit is certainly willing and oh boy is the flesh weak. If the flesh was as strong as my desire, well, we wouldn't be here.

Don't wish me luck or tell me I can do it - tell me what you are doing. Have you achieved your goals?

No saddle, no wagon.

To be honest, I'm rather angry at myself.

I mean, being 480 pounds is pretty bad, but I've been slightly worse.

What angers me is the fact I planned to get back to dieting and exercising when my contract ended in October - three months ago! Instead I'm actually heavier now than then.

So, I'm pulling out all the stops. Diet, exercise - the bull from my last post about it being expensive to go to the gym is right out. I have set up a Kanban board for getting tasks done - I've added diet and exercise goals to that. I've even gone so far as taking "Before" pictures; both with a shirt and shirtless.

Having said all of that, I got up at 7 AM and it's nearly 2 PM and I haven't gotten to the gym yet. Not to mention the fact that my stomach is growling because I've had only one small meal. Now I need to get a meal, pack my bag and get to the gym - I've wasted the day.

+Tonja Davis of +Action Hero Fitness, Inc. asked a question of me earlier that I didn't feel I should answer on Facebook. To quote her:

You know what to do and how to do it, you just need to find out WHY it's important to you. You know to start small and work up, you know to eat clean and do a great job of it but WHY? Why do you want it? Until you identify a reason, you will get in your own way. What is so important to you that you will accept no excuses, only action that moves you closer to that goal?

I've got plenty of reasons and I've had them for a while. Starting with congestive heart failure. Sleep apnea that has put me in the ER. Having to sleep with a CPAP - having to carry the CPAP anywhere I want to travel. Afraid to take a nap because I don't want to go to the ER. Tons of meds that have all kinds of fun side effects. Looking disgusting isn't fun - there are easy comparisons to Jabba the Hutt & Baron Harkonnen. The red, blotchy leg and foot edema is gross, the fun I have had struggling to put on a shoe that fit three hours ago because my foot has blown up in the mean time. Diabetes - nothing quite like dicing with losing a limb, going blind or losing my penis. Not that my penis is much use to me - it's buried in a layer of fat, a layer so deep I can't keep a condom on - just rolls right off.

So, limited sex, mobility and activity along with fears of losing my penis, my limbs, my sight and possibly my life. And yet, with all of that, I have been struggling with just getting started, just getting off the ground, just getting under 400 pounds for seven maybe eight years. I always have a reason or an excuse to forget the diet, stop exercising and go back to the couch with a plate in hand. Always.

Well, Tonja, I guess I haven't yet found THE reason. I don't know if I ever will.

Ima go eat a salad and then go to the gym.

I need a new way to say "Back in the Saddle."

It's true, I am indeed back in the saddle, back on the wagon, "on" - etc.

My contract at Wizards of the Coast ended and I knew I was to be unemployed. First thought: "Use that time. Get back on the diet and back to the gym." A good idea.

Thinking and doing - I rarely get these two lined up. Took me two weeks of eating even more crap and watching endless Netflix to realize there was no escaping it, the best thing to do was get back on my diet and get to the gym.

So, it's essentially day three. The gastro-intenstinal issues that always accompany my change in diet are in full gear. I've got good groceries in the fridge. I've been to the gym twice. Gave myself a blister on my pinky toe yesterday. If I want to do more treadmill, I'm going to have to tape it up.

Frankly, now that I've had time to think about it, the gym isn't the best deal for me right now. It's not close by. It's a lot of gas for an unemployed guy, it's also a lot of time. Luckily, the last two days I added other errands to my gym going, making it seem like less of a money sink. But, today, I really paid attention to time. I left the house at 10:30, got to the gym about 11. I probably put in an hour of weights. I spent quite a bit of time in the jacuzzi. Two showers all told. A quick errand on the way home and I got back to my door at 3. That drive time is time I could be doing other things. That gas is just expensive right now for a guy with limited income.

I know I sometimes over worry money. And, I'm not saying I'm going to stop going to the gym. My intention of going nearly daily is, however, out the window. A couple of exercises I do are body weight - I can do those anywhere. I have bought various pieces of gym equipment over the last year - simple stuff; medicine balls and resistance bands. Those can go a long way, especially combined with body weight exercises. Plus, I have the Wii - which I bought to get me off the couch but it has become mostly a Netflix machine. There is cardio boxing and other things I can be doing with that. So, I think the gym is going to be two, maybe three times a week.

Also, I ran into another issue today. I don't like the idea of eating a big meal before the gym. However, I nearly passed out in the jacuzzi. I had some soy milk before I left, and a banana. By 2 apparently my body needed more. I keep some granola bars in the car for just such situations. Those were the best store brand granola bars ever made as far as I was concerned. The day before I did about the same routine, longer actually because I went grocery shopping. The difference was a trip to Jack in the Box first. Not the best food choice, but I didn't get lightheaded. Can't wait to shed some of these meds, they are both the things keeping me from more health issues and causing these light headedness issues. Don't get me started on what the beta-blocker is doing to me - it's the first to go if I have my druthers.

I'm going to stay open minded about the gym. The truth of the matter is I like the gym - once I get there. I certainly like the jacuzzi. As my money situation settles out, I'll feel more comfortable about spending gas money. Also, as I get stronger, I will need more resistance than I can reasonably provide for myself at home.

As to goals, well, I'm really hoping to see the other side of 400 by end of year. I know. I know. I've said that how many times before? Doesn't mean it's not a good goal. I also came up with that concept when the end of the year was more than 90 days away, now its about 60 with lots of opportunities for holiday binging. No sense setting myself up for failure and disappointment. Frankly, I'll be happy to see a steady downward decrease in weight and a steady uptick in muscle, no matter what the rate. I'll be happy to stay "on" for 30 days - been a long time since I've hit that tiny goal.