The last nine to twelve months have been a real struggle on the diet/exercise/health front.
Of course I have excuses. But, honestly, it’s been rough. I’ve been through a lot of ups and downs and changes.
A couple of blog posts back I wrote that I had lost a shit ton of weight. I had, it was impressive, it was mysterious. There was no apparent cause. I also wrote in that post that I needed to go see a doctor. I went. She looked at the issues I presented. We did nothing about the hernia, because, in her opinion, until I get my blood pressure under control, hernia surgery, any surgery, will have me stroking out on the table. A few x-rays and the lump on my sternum was ruled a likely calcified cyst. I was patted on the head and told to get back on my meds.
I resumed my meds. The weight came back. Even while I was dieting.
Thus, the meds to help control my blood sugar and lower my blood pressure are putting on weight, thus increasing my issues with blood sugar and blood pressure. I’ve had some short term success with diet and exercise, but, I can’t find a way to sustain it and I’m stuck again at about 430 to 450. As it stands, I’m considering taking the reckless path and going off my meds again. The other plan seems to be wait until I blow past 500 pounds again and end up dead. Either way I’m headed for a whopping big heart attack. So far I haven’t been brave enough to give up the meds.
In November I had cataract surgery in both eyes. I just thought I needed new glasses – silly me! No one can tell me why I was going blind. It doesn’t happen to many people my age. But, there I was, about to go blind unless someone cut into my eyes, ripped out my natural lenses and replaced them with tiny bits of plastic. I wonder now if this wasn’t more results of my meds, no way I’ll ever find out. Ten thousand dollars out of pocket later and I’m no longer going blind. (Yes, that $10k after insurance. Fuck them!) Well, let me rephrase: I’m going blind more slowly. There are deposits forming on my new lenses – apparently it’s quite common after cataract surgery to develop cataracts ….. let that sink in. I’m guessing I’m going to have several surgeries and procedures around these cataracts. That is, if I live long enough. In case you are wondering, this process was kinduva downer.
In November I had cataract surgery in both eyes. I just thought I needed new glasses – silly me! No one can tell me why I was going blind. It doesn’t happen to many people my age. But, there I was, about to go blind unless someone cut into my eyes, ripped out my natural lenses and replaced them with tiny bits of plastic. I wonder now if this wasn’t more results of my meds, no way I’ll ever find out. Ten thousand dollars out of pocket later and I’m no longer going blind. (Yes, that $10k after insurance. Fuck them!) Well, let me rephrase: I’m going blind more slowly. There are deposits forming on my new lenses – apparently it’s quite common after cataract surgery to develop cataracts ….. let that sink in. I’m guessing I’m going to have several surgeries and procedures around these cataracts. That is, if I live long enough. In case you are wondering, this process was kinduva downer.
I said there were “ups”- in late November I met a very nice woman and we have settled into a boyfriend/girlfriend dynamic. We met and are dating another couple. These are good things and have buoyed me. While this has been an emotional lift, the fact that I don’t have the sexual stamina to fulfill my girlfriend’s needs, not to mention that I have so much fat around my cock that I can’t have intercourse with her - let's just say it isn't perfect. I love her and I love being with her. It’s good – just as long as I don’t think about sex. Of course this is a sore subject between she and I, she blames herself. The couple we’re dating, well, I haven’t been very sexual there, either. The guy of the couple is skinny with a huge cock – I pretty much never want to be naked in the same room as he. As if I didn't have performance anxiety before! But, thankfully he’s doing most of the sexual chores that I cannot perform. I’ve officially outsourced my sex life.
In January, I added to my money woes by buying a newer car. I needed it, I was tired of worrying about the other car falling apart.
I’ve gotten my own apartment. It wasn’t too hard, but it makes saving money harder. That eye surgery and car purchase re-opened the hole in my credit card I had been trying to fill. I had maxed out the card again by the time I was moved in and I still needed furniture and so many things I gave away when I left Seattle. I still don’t have any living room furniture. On the bright side my place can remain a cesspit because no one comes to visit the man with no place to sit.
Just as things were getting to something resembling normalcy, and as I was about to buy a couple couches, I t-boned an SUV in the new-to-me car. I walked away with a single, tiny burn (of course it was on my belly! Right above my hernia!). I was lucky, I was very happy it was that car instead of my older, falling apart car. I was alive and only down a car. For once, the insurance company came through, the whole process was fairly painless. This again emptied out my credit card.
In all, going to the gym and dieting have fallen by the way. Every Monday I say I’m getting back on the wagon, and by Friday (frequently by Monday afternoon) I’ve got a pile of junk food in front of me. I should probably cancel the gym membership and use the $50 a month to save up for a couch.
My love life gets better and my body and circumstances conspire to make sure I can’t enjoy it. I’m just waiting to lose my job or some other new horror to get me back to 2009 levels. I’d say a fatal heart attack doesn’t sound so bad, except I know that my body would figure out a way for it to be mostly fatal; ya know, just kill me financially and emotionally, leave me alive but fucked beyond reason.
Whatever. As if I have any say in any of this.
