I mean, being 480 pounds is pretty bad, but I've been slightly worse.
What angers me is the fact I planned to get back to dieting and exercising when my contract ended in October - three months ago! Instead I'm actually heavier now than then.
So, I'm pulling out all the stops. Diet, exercise - the bull from my last post about it being expensive to go to the gym is right out. I have set up a Kanban board for getting tasks done - I've added diet and exercise goals to that. I've even gone so far as taking "Before" pictures; both with a shirt and shirtless.
Having said all of that, I got up at 7 AM and it's nearly 2 PM and I haven't gotten to the gym yet. Not to mention the fact that my stomach is growling because I've had only one small meal. Now I need to get a meal, pack my bag and get to the gym - I've wasted the day.
+Tonja Davis of +Action Hero Fitness, Inc. asked a question of me earlier that I didn't feel I should answer on Facebook. To quote her:
You know what to do and how to do it, you just need to find out WHY it's important to you. You know to start small and work up, you know to eat clean and do a great job of it but WHY? Why do you want it? Until you identify a reason, you will get in your own way. What is so important to you that you will accept no excuses, only action that moves you closer to that goal?I've got plenty of reasons and I've had them for a while. Starting with congestive heart failure. Sleep apnea that has put me in the ER. Having to sleep with a CPAP - having to carry the CPAP anywhere I want to travel. Afraid to take a nap because I don't want to go to the ER. Tons of meds that have all kinds of fun side effects. Looking disgusting isn't fun - there are easy comparisons to Jabba the Hutt & Baron Harkonnen. The red, blotchy leg and foot edema is gross, the fun I have had struggling to put on a shoe that fit three hours ago because my foot has blown up in the mean time. Diabetes - nothing quite like dicing with losing a limb, going blind or losing my penis. Not that my penis is much use to me - it's buried in a layer of fat, a layer so deep I can't keep a condom on - just rolls right off.
So, limited sex, mobility and activity along with fears of losing my penis, my limbs, my sight and possibly my life. And yet, with all of that, I have been struggling with just getting started, just getting off the ground, just getting under 400 pounds for seven maybe eight years. I always have a reason or an excuse to forget the diet, stop exercising and go back to the couch with a plate in hand. Always.
Well, Tonja, I guess I haven't yet found THE reason. I don't know if I ever will.
Ima go eat a salad and then go to the gym.
